I'm writing because I think someone may benefit. Even one person would be well worth it. I want to do my part to get the truth out there.
In Fall 2007, after years of experiencing drastic and unfruitful ups and downs in my Christian walk, at school I took a Galatians Thessalonians Bible literature class with Pastor Craig Krueger, who leads Sojourn Campus Church at the UofM. Craig is a smart guy, and I really connected with his teaching style. Halfway through the class, we arrived in Galatians 5, and Pastor Craig ended the day's lecture describing the difference between Enlightenment-style freedom and the freedom we have in Christ.
Enlightenment freedom: self-oriented, humanistic, freedom to live as one pleases
Freedom in Christ: others-oriented, freedom from law, freedom to love
Something inside me switched on, and I couldn't move. I sat in my chair, my mind streaming with thoughts, until everyone had left. I realized that when I choose to follow Christ, all my efforts are like worthless rags. I felt humbled and free from the legalistic mindset that I must "purify" or "save myself" from trouble. In essence, I "let go and let God."
The next few months of my life were beautiful and full of grace! I spent my days praying and seeking the Lord. I developed closer and more meaningful relationships with other believers. I had words to say about things. I knew they were from the Lord, and I knew it was He, not me, working (and more importantly, receiving the glory!)
My closest friends know very well that my "grace encounter" changed my entire life, but since then I have revisited the past. As I grow closer to wonderful and godly woman, I have seen tendencies surface for perfectionism, striving and self-absorption. In short, although I was walking in wonderful things of the Lord and falling in love with woman who complements me in every way, I was unable to enjoy most of it.
I was trying too hard. Way too hard. I was trying to save my life when losing it is the only way to live. I was trying to work on my salvation-- to keep at it long and strong enough that God would keep loving me.
My inner child came to the forefront during this time, and I realized I was not a whole person. I was broken. Unable to receive the love of God or others, I was also unable to fully give it. I struggled with the simple things. I was always watching my back. I was striving.
I shared this with a spiritual mentor and received confirmation that I was struggling with a spirit of rejection. Past experiences had colored my view of the world so that I thought I would need to do something in order to receive love. Rather than accepting the peace of the moment, I struggled to just "be" and allow God to "be" Himself.
Here are the symptoms of rejection:
1) Striving
2) Heaviness
3) Guilt
4) Legal mindset
5) Inability to receive love or connect with God, or fully love others
Here is the freedom of grace:
1) Freedom
2) Acceptance
3) Forgiveness
4) Humility
5) A loving view of God, others and especially self
I am still walking out my healing. My next step is to pray and ask the Lord to bring to mind every person who has ever hurt me so I can release those hurts to the Lord. I believe He will do it. In the meantime, feel able to receive love again. I recently emailed a friend. "Last night was the first time ever I really believed that God (and Kelly) love me for who I am and not in spite of who I am. It was a strange and beautiful experience, like hearing a new foreign language or getting off a plane in Florida in January and feeling the balmy air all around you." That's grace!
I shared this with a spiritual mentor and received confirmation that I was struggling with a spirit of rejection. Past experiences had colored my view of the world so that I thought I would need to do something in order to receive love. Rather than accepting the peace of the moment, I struggled to just "be" and allow God to "be" Himself.
Here are the symptoms of rejection:
1) Striving
2) Heaviness
3) Guilt
4) Legal mindset
5) Inability to receive love or connect with God, or fully love others
Here is the freedom of grace:
1) Freedom
2) Acceptance
3) Forgiveness
4) Humility
5) A loving view of God, others and especially self
I am still walking out my healing. My next step is to pray and ask the Lord to bring to mind every person who has ever hurt me so I can release those hurts to the Lord. I believe He will do it. In the meantime, feel able to receive love again. I recently emailed a friend. "Last night was the first time ever I really believed that God (and Kelly) love me for who I am and not in spite of who I am. It was a strange and beautiful experience, like hearing a new foreign language or getting off a plane in Florida in January and feeling the balmy air all around you." That's grace!
So, although in 2007 I found grace, three years would pass before I had the emotional and spiritual understanding to realize why I needed it. As Pastor Craig puts it, "You have to go through the Bible and find all the verses that are too nice. And then, read nothing but those."
Feels good :)
